I Do
46 years ago, John and I each said, “I do.” Little did we know what those words would entail. All I knew was that I loved John madly and wanted to be with him all the time. As I compare “us then” to “us now” those two simple words we said in 1973 take on much more meaning.
Marriage is like a rock tumbler...those ingenious little gadgets that turn rough, dull rocks into smooth, colorful stones. The rocks are tumbled in a drum with a mixture of grit and water. The process mimics yet speeds up geological time. In a sense this is what happens in a marriage. Partners tumble together in the grit of life circumstances... career changes, children, moves, illnesses & mishaps. In 1973, John and I were rough hewn and unformed. We were emotionally immature, uncertain, and in some ways not ready for prime time. Yet, we were desperately in love and thought that was reason enough to be married.
The first year was far from a honeymoon. We quickly learned that love and passion were not all we needed to make a good marriage. I learned that John had a flash quick temper, and he found me obstinate & ridiculously consumed with the particulars of housekeeping. Nor did we ever realize how the strains of starting new careers could stress our relationship and home life. Yet, somehow we made it through with humor, a great deal of grace, and a growing determination to make our marriage work.
As children came along there were new stresses and strains to challenge us. We were suddenly forced to blend two family traditions into one, but also make up our own along the way. Of course, the advent of children brought on financial strains until our youngest went to school. John worked long, odd retail hours. I found part time work at a Mother’s Day Out & for a time cleaned houses. Later on after I went back to teaching full time, John started a new career. Suddenly, I was the primary breadwinner with a meager teacher’s salary. I look back on those up and down years, and now wonder why we didn’t implode from all the stress. Yet, there was help and wise counsel from family, friends, clergy, and a therapist. We did not go it alone and sought help when our own determination floundered.
So here we are 46 years later, our rough edges smoothed and our tempers not so easily riled. We take each other as we are, still imperfect but infinitely wiser. We no longer seek to change the other but muddle on together “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” I wonder now when this ease came about. I suppose it has been gradual and barely noticed. Maybe it was the growing realization that we have more years behind us than ahead of us. We have each watched a parent deal with the loss of a spouse. We have seen & known that heart wrenching loss up close and personal. It made us both realize that we too might one day be without the other.
Realizing that our time together is finite might understandably bring on a fatalistic despondency, but in actuality it has given us both a sense of urgency rather than despair. An urgency that reminds us to cherish each other in the days and moments we have. Oh we still have our tiffs & disagreements, but now we are quicker to apologize, admit our flaws, and if necessary find common ground. There is a sweet surrender in acknowledging my mistakes and yet knowing that I am still so very loved. It is this greater love, we are called to in marriage.
I now understand that marriage is not a destination nor a stagnant point of arrival. It is a calling to and a moving towards. Marriage, like love, is an action. It requires careful and constant tending by both partners. Marriage calls us “to do” every day. So on our 46th Anniversary, we enjoyed a quiet dinner at our favorite spot, sipped on some sparkly, & once again said, “I do” until death do we part. ~c.hause
© Catherine Hause