Tending the Gorillas — Writing My World

I am not sure how I was roped into it…caring for a gorilla. It was to be a 24 hour shift, but I signed up to work with someone who knew what to do. So initially, I wasn’t worried. Yet, I just found out that I was to do a 12 hour shift on my own. I was totally unprepared and overwhelmed with anxiety. It was in that overwhelmed moment that I woke up. Lying there I still felt the rush of anxiety despite the relief of finding myself in my own bed.

It is unusual for me to remember a dream in such vivid detail. Like many dreams this one was as ridiculous and nonsensical as they come. Yet I find that if I pay attention to how I felt in the dream, I often glean some insight that helps me make sense of my waking life.

In the dream, I remember denigrating myself for not paying attention to what was involved in gorilla care. I often rely on others to listen to directions when I am not in charge. I am a devoted follower and love being told what to do in unfamiliar situations. I am a good soldier in new territory but not a general. When finding myself in charge in the dream, I was filled with angst and worry. So much so that my heart was still racing when I awoke.

This feeling of angst was all too familiar. Since February, my level of anxiety has increased tenfold. The pandemic, the uncertainty of the election, the fires in California, monstrous hurricanes, climate change, racial injustice, my grandchildren’s “virtual” education, and my family’s well-being especially my 97 year old father’s, all feed the fires of my anxiety. Such stress presents itself in a short temper, crying jags, wakeful nights, & sometimes too many glasses of wine at the end of a worrisome day.

In cataloging my worries, I realized that they are the “gorillas” in my life. All of these problems are beyond my expertise, and more importantly they are beyond my sphere of influence. On my own, I cannot affect or mitigate such complex problems by merely wringing my hands outside the gorilla cage.

Yet, right at the end of the dream I do remember wondering if I should buy some bananas. I suppose I envisioned proffering a banana through the bars of the cage. Perhaps I wanted to appease or even befriend the gorilla? I wonder now what fruits of effort I might offer these big “gorilla” worries in my life. Is there some small gesture that might help?

As I pondered my own question, I knew that John & I were already taking some action. We contributed to a variety of organizations. Organizations that lobby for action against climate change, support families who need food assistance, help children living in poverty with after school programs, and candidates who are willing to work across the aisle to solve many of these problems. There is also much I can continue to do for my family and community: FaceTiming my grandchildren; calling my father more often; making masks for hospital workers; and staying in touch with friends who are isolated. Finally I know I must also tend to myself. Walking each day, eating healthy fare, drinking moderately, monitoring my news intake, & staying in touch with friends will strengthen my immunity as well as protect me from despair. Perhaps most importantly, I am recommitted to my morning meditation. Sitting quietly, reading the wisdom of others, and journaling my prayers all help to connect me to something bigger and more wondrous than my small self.

I know there will be more trying and worrisome days ahead. Days when my nose is barely above the waters of worry and despair. Yet, if I just lean my head back and look up at the beautiful expanse of sky maybe I can fill my lungs with hope. Hope that all of us working together will not only tend to the problems that face us but solve them as well.

Namaste. ~c.h.