Abandoning Expectation — Writing My World

A few of my former kindergarteners are on Facebook and deem me worthy of being their “friend.” It isn’t often that they post. I suppose it is all the folks my age who scare them off. Still, I find it touching that a handful want to share what little they post with me. I sometimes peer at their now adult faces searching for some semblance of their five year old selves. It is exciting to see what they are up to, who they are with, and where they hope to go. Often I feel a tinge of jealousy for their youth and long for the excitement of starting out anew. Yet, as I look back at my own twenties and thirties, I don’t remember much excitement. What I do remember is worry and trepidation.

When John & I were married at the ages of 23 and 22 respectively, we were both employed and debt free. There were no student loans or car payments. As I look back, I realize how fortunate we were to start out with a clean financial slate. We were remarkably frugal, saved, and with a bit of inheritance from my childless great uncle we bought our first house. When our daughter was born, I left teaching and suddenly we had to make do with one income. Now we had a house payment and a car payment. I fretted over every cent I spent perhaps fueled by my guilt for no longer contributing income. Too often I felt lack more than abundance even though we always had just what we needed if not more.

After we moved to Nashville and our son Daniel was born, I now had to two children to add to my concerns. When Daniel was three, we discovered that he had a significant hearing loss. We had excellent help and support, but still I worried constantly for him as well as his big sister when they started school. Were our children being challenged and also getting the support they each needed? Did they have good friends? Was Daniel being teased about his hearing aides? And what or who was causing Jenny’s tummy aches at school? When do I step in and when do I back off? John & I often fouled and bumbled as parents, but I wonder now what did all that worrying add to their lives or mine.

As I sit here now on this first day of 2021, I wonder if my worries came from focusing too much on the future. If I watch every penny, we will always have enough money. If I choose the right school and request the right teacher, my children will learn and grow into happy successful adults. Yet, despite all my preparation, research, and fretting, we still hit bumps in the road. Bumps and detours that no amount of planning could foresee. However, none of the bumps derailed us. Often it was friends, family, and professionals that got us through every emergency or predicament our little family encountered.

I have no desire to return to those beginning days. I rather like where I am right now. Oh, I wouldn’t mind having my youthful knees back, but I would want to keep this 2020 perspective. This year has taught me to not rely on the future. There is no amount of planning or worrying that will add to my days. All I have is this…this moment typing these words that miraculously appear on my computer screen while a rich stew fills our little mountain home with a delicious aroma. This moment is all that I have. So why not be here, be present, and open to what each moment offers? Not expecting the worst or the best, but abandoning expectations. Like a novel yet unfinished, I will see what unfolds not page by page but moment by moment. ~c.h.